Year in Preview

Ah, the end of December, when everyone puts out "best of" or "year in review" lists. Not here. I'd like to take a moment to imagine the year to come. A year in PREVIEW. For 2015, I had a list of things that I wanted to accomplish: goals, if you will. I crossed more than half of them off, which is pretty good. In baseball, I'd be amazing. In 2016, I'll make an even better list, and will cross ALL of them off. Next year is the year of the monkey, which I think will dictate basically everything. The Arctic Monkeys will become like The Rolling Stones (but just for a year). Banksy will come out of hiding, and will become the nation's artist-laureate (a new thing for 2016). She (yes, Banksy is a woman) will meet with the poet laureate (Juan Felipe Herrera), and they will mastermind a plan to fully fund exceptional art programs for every school in the country, with an emphasis on poetry and painting. All adjunct professors of poetry and painting will be given (actual) jobs, benefits, and a bonus on each bank holiday, of $3,000 (no one is getting greedy here). Puppy mills (worldwide) and automobile traffic in NYC will be become illegal. Instead of driving people where they can easily (and now safely) go on their bicycles, taxi drivers will chauffeur humane society pups to families who want and need them. All dogs in America will have forever homes. Cats can piss off. Finally, Kanye will abandon his presidential hopes, and announce his plan to team up with LeBron James to radically improve working conditions at Nike, and expand the Flyease line to make sure that all kids with disabilities have the opportunity to play sports. Yeah!